The Life You Save May Be Your Own
by Jack E. Peace
Summary: If she is dead, I need to know. If she is alive, I need to find her.  Dexter/Lumen


**Disclaimer: **Not mine, if they were my stress level would not be so high. But what can you do? The title of the story comes from the short story of the same name by Flannery O'Connor.

**A/N: **So I never really expected to write a "Dexter" story, I've just enjoyed watching from the sidelines. But, I was a little upset by the lack of Dexter/Lumen stories on this site and this idea sort of just came to me so here it is: drabble. It's set in the immediate end of the last episode (5.11). Read, enjoy and review if you like!

**"The Life You Save May Be Your Own" **

I never expected to be the type of person to need someone. Not in a different way than I need Deb. Harry. I never expected to need someone, to want to be around someone, to feel empty, incomplete without that someone there. I never expected to worry about someone.

But I am worried about someone now.

Without Lumen here I feel completely alone, lost, confused. This isn't something that I'm used to. I am used to being alone, to being confused, so why does it feel like something completely different now? Before Lumen came storming into my life, I never had anyone; I had Rita, but it was different, the way that you have a colleague or neighbor, someone to talk to occasionally but who don't really know the real you. Because, let's be honest, Rita never really knew the real me. And as guilty as that makes me feel now, I almost feel relieved because as hard as it was to loose her, as much pain as I still feel over her senseless death, it is nothing compared to the way that I feel without Lumen here. Because Lumen does know the real me, Dark Passenger and all and letting someone know that about you, that secret inner part of you, is like the real meaning of sex, that bullshit they always feed you as a teenager and some well-meaning adult is trying to dissuade you from pre-marital sex. Two becoming one, two souls one body. A merger. A possession. It's like Lumen came bursting into my life, angry, like a wildfire, ready to spread her flames to every moment of my being and there was no way to extinguish it. And now that the flames are being put out I feel cold and barren again.

I have to find her.

Being without Lumen is no longer an option. Especially not this way. There is no way for me to know who's blood is on that knife. Is it his? Is it hers? God that other people pray to in these moments, please don't let it be hers. Thinking about that knife, imagining Lumen using it on Chase makes me think back to that night down by the pier when things seemed bad but not as bad as they seem now. Lumen was there, the fire was still burning through my life and I kinda liked it. I hear her voice in my head now as I search around the house, looking for a clue as to where they could have gone. Send me a sign. All I hear are her words, her suggestion to leave. Hop a freighter. Lumen, I would have, if I had known this was how it would all end. Hindsight: 20/20.

There's nothing for me to find here. If Lumen left me a sign, I can't find it. If anyone has left a sign, it's not for me. I have the pocket knife that I bought a girl instead of a ring down by the pier. If the blood is Jordan's I did the right thing. If the blood is Lumen's I should have gone with jewelry.

I go back to the car and sit in the passenger seat. I think about animals, pairs surviving in the wild. Aren't animals supposed to have some kind of magnetism lead them to their mates? I don't feel anything. Except a growing sense of panic, the unnerving feeling of losing my cool. I want to scream, I want to punch the steering wheel and shatter the glass of the windshield. I want to hit until I bleed like she did, so my blood is in the dirt with hers. A pair.

But I don't. I sit still, I think, I try to be the Dexter Morgan that was, the man who existed before the fire spread and claimed his life. The rational Dexter who operated best alone. The one who could control emotions and didn't have to sever ties because there never were any to begin with. But that Dexter is gone, consumed and left nothing but ash. Thinking about Lumen leaves me distracted and removed.

_The person he was in those moments was nothing like the person he felt like he had been his entire life. This was not a person he knew or was entirely comfortable with, this was not a skin that he was comfortable in or knew how to work, but she didn't mind so, somehow, that made it even just a little bit better. Her palms were cool against his hot skin, even though the rest of her skin was hot under his touch. His hands were on her back, tracing over the welts, the calluses and the scars that had yet to heal. The same things he had on the inside. _

_He thought she was sleeping when she lifted her head and looked at him. "Why are you staring at me?" _

I had never intended on things to go that way with her. What I told Astor in the car that afternoon was the truth. But the thought of turning her away that night, of leaving her or having her leave me was unthinkable, as unthinkable as not having her here is now. What have I done?

_He smiled down at her, caught off guard by her frank question and her frank eyes piercing into him. Seconds ago, he had been lost to his thoughts, convinced her deep and even breathing belonged to someone lost in dreams. Now she was staring at him with that determined look that let him know that she did, indeed, expect an answer. "I…uh…I was just thinking." _

How could I let this happen? This will not end well, things never end well. I am not one of the normal people, those who get married, settle down and live suburban lives of monotony until death or retirement. Yet it is happening all over again. An attachment is forming. The fire is still destroying me from the inside.

"_Thinking." She repeated, pushing up slightly so they were eye level, her head no longer on his chest. "About Jordan Chase?" _

_ Her comment caught him off guard and he laughed. "No." He wanted to assure her he never thought about another man while in bed with a beautiful woman. "No, not about that at all." He flicked her hair behind her shoulder, away from her face. She smiled at the gesture. "About you." _

_ She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Oh. Good things I hope." She scotched up closer and once against laid her head down, head under his chin. _

If I were being honest with myself I would be able to admit the truth. Lumen is dead. It is her blood on the knife, Jordan has killed her. I let her down. I have always been able to be honest with myself, why is the truth so hard for me to handle now? Avoiding the truth never does any good.

"_Of course." It seems that tonight is a night for frankness and candor, things he has never allowed himself before. But now he has someone he can be completely honest with, someone who can peel back the double layers of what he says and does and know who he really is. And still if not love then at least like him anyway. Still want to be close to him. Maybe it is the closeness that is doing him in. "You're amazing." _

_ "Stop." At first, he thinks that she is just playing bashful, especially when she ducks her head into his neck so he can't see her face. But he realizes that he has misread her tone and in that one simple word was not coyness but an honest command. "Don't say that." _

_ He looks at her with surprise she can't see. "What are you talking about?" _

_ "I'm not amazing." Her words are muffled but strong against his skin. Her breath is hot and it tickles him but he remains still and stoic as he holds his arms around her. "Look at me." He is. Amazing. But he knows that she means the scars on her back, the still-healing reminders of what Jordan and those other assholes did to her. She was their game board and their game. "And tonight, what I…" _

But I still want to find Lumen, find Jordan, even if it's just to hear him tell me I'm too late. Tick, tick. Even if it's just to hear her say he's dead, we won, she's cleansed now and is no longer the mate to my monster. Was it the darkness within us that made us a pair? Will my darkness chase her away when she's in the light once more?

_He knows where she's going with this. "You did what you had to." He strokes her hair, not trying to force her to shift or look up at him, to face another person when she accepts killing at man. Did she really do what was necessary though? Could he have dissuaded her all those weeks ago? Did he allow her to continue on this path so he wouldn't have to walk alone? _

_ "Those men-" _

_ "Can't hurt you anymore." He assures her, his fingers still in her hair, their connection still unbroken. "They deserved what they got." He has never been that opinionated before on the matter. He knew all the people he'd killed in the past were, well, a different kind of monster and killing them was like taking out the trash but he had never thought about it that way before. But he knew he meant those words because of what they had done to her, they deserved all that and much, much more. _

_ Now she lifts her head and he sits up slightly so that they are both propped up and looking at each other more comfortably. Her eyes are still piercing but they are not strong or determined now. The fire is embers cooling under the dirt. "The way he looked at me…he saw a monster." _

I feel powerless now. Where am I to go from here? How can I find Lumen? What will I do when I discover the truth? How could I have done this to myself? Being alone, being only half of a pair, is not a way for me to survive. Losing Rita was hard enough but to lose Lumen... I am not sure how to fill the hole that she will leave behind.

"_That's not what I see." He says to her truthfully. He saw the look in her eyes moments before, when she looked at him and he felt absolved, cleansed. He wants to give her that same baptism. "You are not a monster." _

_ She wants to believe him but he's not sure does. He can see himself in her. He can see his life connecting with hers, becoming one, merging, forging in fire. He is not a monster to her, he is not a beast but she is a beauty but this is no fairy tale. His life has never been a fairy tale, but this is pretty damn close. _

_ She might not believe him but a calm has settled in her eyes and he likes her better this way. He gently lowers her head back to his chest and strokes her hair again. "Go to sleep now." Soothing, a father, a lover, a monster, a protector, a conspirator, a confidant. _

_ Her eyes closed and when she breathes heavy and regular again, he is sure she is sleeping now. He hopes her dreams are bright. _

It would be impossible for me to leave now. I cannot hop a freighter and leave her behind. If she is dead, I need to know. If she is alive, I need to find her. I will not let her die. I need to save her because that is the only way to save myself.


End file.
